so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
