Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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