im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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