how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
