I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Randomize
