I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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