He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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