the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
