i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
