So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
