I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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