it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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