I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
