Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
