Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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