she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
