He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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