I just pynch a tree in the face
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm getting married
To pizza
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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