The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
