I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
