It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
