Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
