I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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