After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
