my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The air was thick with penises
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
