She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
