a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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