Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
