I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
