i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
