dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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