does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
