Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
