I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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