it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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