That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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