Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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