I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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