When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
