I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
