I'm really into asian looking animals
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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