I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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