Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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