FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
