It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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