I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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