i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
