Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
