Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
