I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
