I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
